LET’S TALK ABOUT EXES, SHALL WE?
Does your girlfriend/boyfriend have a relationship with their ex still?
Does it bother you.. maybe make you jealous, act all cray? Have you ever checked their messages because of this? Have you asked them specifically to not talk to this person or to cut them out of their life entirely (including all social accounts)?
I think it’s fair to say majority of us have dealt with this situation in one way or another… so, let’s talk about exes…
Rewind to last week, I had been playing text message tag with an ex of mine as we were trying to pick a time to catch up. In all fairness, I had been the flakey one and he was extending the effort.
(Side note: I have been very lucky to have dated amazing people and unless toxic, rude or they disrespected me… which hasn’t really happened… I still remain in touch with almost all of the them).
So, I message this ex to suggest some times for the coming week. Couple nights later, I have a really weird dream and wake up feeling like something was up/wrong with him. Feeling guilty about being flakey and the weird premonition, I send a follow up messaging saying, “Hey, is everything OK…? I have this weird feeling something is up. Look forward to catching up!” We’ve both dealt with our fair share of anxiety, layoffs, family issues etc. and have always been there for each other, even after breaking up, taking time apart or me taking off to travel.
I don’t hear anything back. I check FB, no more profile. I check IG, no more profile… now, I am actually starting to get legit worried. I check Twitter, still exists.
So, I send a follow up text mentioning the above, making a side joke about not being a stalker and then mentioned it to my mom when we were out that evening. Then she says, “Now that you mention it, I haven’t seen his stuff in my feed (my mom almost stays in better contact with my exes than I do. She just loves knowing what’s going on and liking every pic of them and their new gfs… pftt, anywayyss). So, she checks and she can’t find him either. I get another friend to check, who is not friends with him, and ah-ha! He still exists.
But wait, what? I’m confused. Ouch?
At this time, there’s been no reply to my text. So, I wait a couple more days and say, “OK.. so looks like you deleted me… I’m a little confused.. you were wanting to catch up last week and now you’ve blocked me?” This is SO unlike him and if this was going to happen, then it would have happened before when we broke up, and I fled to Central America.
Then it clicked, probably a new gf and/or person he’s dating. And although there was an initial sting, and not an ego blow but the thought of not having him in my life, it more so got me thinking…
WHY ARE WE ALWAYS TRYING TO CONTROL OUR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS?
WHY DO WE WANT TO DEPRIVE THEM OF SOMETHING THAT BRINGS JOY & HAPPINESS TO THEIR LIFE?
WHY ARE WE ALWAYS LIVING FROM SUCH A PLACE OF FEAR AND OWNERSHIP?
(Side note: I don’t want to be with this person. We broke up for a reason, we don’t text all day long or for that matter, talk very often at all- maybe every couple months. But, I do care for him and I do feel joy and comfort in knowing he is there and that we are in touch.)
As with my take in my post a couple weeks ago, Updating Our Views On Love & Relationships, love should be about being FREE, about expansion, flowing in all directions, about feeling good and being able to express ourselves. Relationships, well you should want the best for that person and want them to feel as good as they can.
Restriction, containment and deprivation are all the exact OPPOSITE of that. And let me tell you, that just makes the person focus on it, feel constrained, resent and makes them want to do that thing, you asked them not to do, even more.
The big thing here, TRUST. They have chosen to be with you, they are with you. Don’t waste precious time with the what-ifs! If you can’t trust this person… WHY THE HELL ARE YOU WITH THEM?
Now, let me say right off the bat, if the ex has expressed they are still in love with them, is toxic, has disrespected YOU or anything in and around that area… well then that’s a clear NOPE. Tell that ex to pack a lunch… especially if she/he be try’na get back in thurrr… not saying be a doormat people but also saying, CHECK YO SELF.
What do I mean? TAKE A CONSCIOUS APPROACH.
Go inward first, before you examine the outward.
What I am talking about here are good people, kind-hearted people that still very much care for each other in some way but life circumstances, timing, goals and desires separated them. Their paths just weren’t continuing to flow together.
So 4 things I would suggested here when approaching this situation:
1- Have an HONEST CONVO with your S/O. What does this person mean to them, how important is this person, what is their relationship currently and what has it been like post-breakup (were they f-buddies, did he/she try and get them back, did someone cheat? Alllll of it)? Create a safe space where your partner can share honestly and not feel judged! And if you do, then you’ll get the full truth.
ASK. LISTEN. BE OPEN. UNDERSTAND.
3- LOOK INSIDE- is your ego rearing its ugly head? Is this really about the ex (are they actually a threat?), or is this your insecurity and fear coming to the surface (she’s hotter, has a better body, is cooler…)? Go a bit deeper, examine how you view yourself. Maybe this is a call for some inner work- more self-love and self-acceptance, hmm?
No two people are the same. EVERYONE has their own unique thing to offer, have confidence in that. You are perfect just the way you are and if it doesn’t work out, then it wasn’t meant to. And if you or you S/O are basing things on the external/superficial, well then you got a whole lotta bigger problems to deal with.
WE CAN ONLY BE LOVED AS MUCH AS WE LOVE OURSELVES.
2- SET BOUNDARIES- what can you both agree on, what feels good on both sides? Come at it from a place of love and freedom to express yourselves. Discuss (get everything out), agree, settle and then MOVE ON, but set the tone that the lines of communication are open on this topic in case anything changes on either side.
BEING ON THE SAME PAGE + ONGOING COMMUNICATION = KEY
4- MOVE FORWARD WITH LOVE- don’t hold resentment, if you agreed on something, TRUST them, leave it, love them and let it go. Give them the trust and faith you would want if roles were reversed.
CONTROLLING YOUR PARTNER IS ONLY A SIGN OF THE LEVEL, OR LACK THEREOF, OF THE CONFIDENCE & SECURITY YOU HAVE IN YOURSELF.
And if a cut off has to happen, for some reason or another, then give the ex the same respect you’d give a friend or that you’d wish to receive. I know I would have appreciated a message, an explanation and well wishes. And because you do care for that person (the ex), then you respect their decision because after all you want them to be happy, do what’s best for them and ultimately, FEEL FREE (and that could mean breaking things off).
I don’t want to own my partner, control them or make them feel restricted… if you love them fully then you want them to experience all the love, happiness, fulfilment and joy… and that very well may mean a relationship with an ex.
Not saying it’s easy as pie, it will test you, but think about it…
….. what an awesome opportunity to shed more of that ego ;)
“Our toughest challenges are our biggest opportunities for growth” — Unkown
In love & letting your partner enjoy it all,
Li x
